Too many times it seems, as I have stated previously, we are suppose to take responsibility for the bad and give God the credit for the good; however, there is one time where this sense of twisted logic does not come into play, and that is when someone loses a baby.  I have heard it said more than once to parents who are in the midst of mind numbing grief because they have lost a child that these things happen for a reason, and God must have had a plan.

The sad thing is that I don't think the person who is offering this sentiment as a means of comfort realizes how this only makes the loss hurt even worse; no one wants to think that a good and loving God would willingly put anyone through this kind of torture.  While I have never had to endure this first hand, I cannot believe there is an equivalent to losing a child, especially when you have wanted and hoped for this little thing to come into your life, only to have it yanked from you, sometimes with no explanation.

Not only that, but the concept of a plan loses its cohesiveness when put into perspective; why is it that good people who want nothing more to be parents find themselves unable to conceive, or worse, end up losing a baby, while some argument for forced sterilization spawns another child he has no intention of supporting, or pops out her 8th drug addicted ward of the state?  Where is the reasoning behind this?  What, exactly, is the plan?

Perhaps the reason this is said is because the person standing by witnessing the grief doesn't know what else to say; death in any circumstance is hard to deal with, and people often look to whatever faith they have to help them endure.  But often when one is dealing with the death of someone else's child, then his own faith is questioned and challenged, and he seeks to reaffirm his beliefs by conveying that God wouldn't have done this without a reason...right??!!

Truth is, at least in my mind, that there really is no reason and there is no plan; it simply just happens.  It is an unfortunate fact that sometimes those who deserve the tragedies of life the least are the ones who get hit the hardest by them, and that includes babies and those who lose them.  Nobody ever wants to go through this kind of heartbreak, but, unfortunately, some will.  I guess the best we can do is to not offer thoughts of plans and reasons (or that at least you still have...; having one child never compensates for the loss of another.  The void is still there, and is still as painful), but to simply say, I'm sorry, and I'm here for you.

There is nothing on this earth that will ever take the place of just being a friend.

The Question of "Free Will"

One of the biggest issues I struggle with in terms of Christianity is the concept of "free will".  I know what it is, and I know how it plays a role in religion, but that doesn't mean I understand it fully, nor do I get why those who do not have it are still subjected to the consequences of the actions of those who do, and this is one of the things that really made me question faith and religion altogether.

We all know the theory behind "free will"; Adam and Eve exercised it when they chose to eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and in this exercise of free will, they were disobedient and subsequently expelled from the Garden of Eden.  Fair enough; to adults screw up and pay the price for their choice.  But my problem is this:  what about those who do not have conscious access to free will?  Where is their protection until they do?

I have had this conversation with members of my group mainly about how it pertains to children, and my question has always been if God is suppose to be benevolent and loving, then why do children get born into poverty, why do they get beaten, why do they get molested and why do they die, often at the hands of those who are suppose to protect them?  I have been told, in the greatest of faith, that it is because of our disobedience to God and because of our insistence on free will that the human race as a whole is subject to the punishment, and that includes the most defenseless among us.  As an adult, I am perfectly willing to make my own choices, for whatever they are worth, and accept the outcome of those choices; however, a child does not have that right to choice.

A child does not choose to be born to a drug addict, or to be born in Africa, or to be abandoned in a dumpster, or to get cancer.  A four year old will not opt to be molested by her mother's boyfriend; nor will a 9 year old say "yes" to becoming a toy for her stepfather, as well as becoming pregnant by him.  No two year old I know would choose to be murdered by her mother, and an 8 year old is not going to ask to be stuffed into a suitcase.  In short, these children do not have the free will so often touted as the cause for human misery.  So where is God for these kids?  Doesn't the Bible say, blessed are the children?  If children are a gift and a blessing, shouldn't there be something in the contract that states they will be free from disease and torment and death until they are old enough to exercise the free will the rest of us are held accountable for?

The other issue I have with "free will" is that it is perfectly acceptable to blame "free will" when we screw up, but when we do or receive something good, we are immediately suppose to give God the credit for it.  I have heard it more than once; someone gets in trouble or does something wrong, it is the fault of free will (and Satan), but if a person receives a gift or a promotion, then that's from God.

Really?  Why?  Why doesn't "free will" play a part in the good as well as the bad?  If we have the free will to fuck up our lives, don't we also have the free will to fix them?  Yes, we have the free will to snort that line, but we also have the free will to enter rehab (unless, of course, it is court ordered).  We may have the choice to bounce from job to job, but we also have the choice to stick it out, bust our ass and work our way up.  We can decide to have unprotected sex and breed senselessly, or we can decide to use condoms and birth control and not bring another unwanted baby into this world. 

The truth is we do have free will, but we also have the ability decide if we are going to use it in a positive or negative fashion, and as far as I'm concerned, God really has nothing to do with it.  In reality, free will is nothing more than our ethics, our conscience, and our knowledge of right and wrong, and if free will is going to be the reason for our punishment, then it should also be the factor behind our reward, and those who cannot exercise it should not be punished for it.

There is a major difference between the religious and the not so much (ok...not at all), and that is where we look for inner strength when our lives end up turning inside out.  I have had conversations with two good friends; one who is a believer and one who is not, about where each found the strength to not just go on, but to actually move in a different direction and to change things for the better.  All three of us, my two friends and I, have had our fair share of personal world altering events, and each one of us has had to work hard to put things right again.  We are all in different stages of this journey, but our approaches to dealing with our lives are substantially different.

If there is one thing that defines atheists, aside from the obvious lack of belief, it is that we know if we fuck up, its our own goddamn fault.  There is no God or Satan or Heaven or Hell directing our lives; if something goes wrong, we know that 9 times out of 10, we did it to ourselves.  Yeah, there are things that occur to mess up our existence which happen to be our of our control, but this is rarely the case; most of the time, we were just being stupid.  The flip side is that we aren't willing to share credit with some unknown entity when we get it figured out.  This isn't to say that we don't pull bits and pieces and whole chunks of support and encouragement from those around us, but the decision to actually put it to good use is ours alone.

The religious, on the other hand, often (not always) think everything happens for a reason, and a lot of times the bad things that do crop up are tests of faith.  This gets tricky in the fact that a lot Christians are not going to make the same mistakes that some of the rest of us do - they aren't going to sneak that one last drink before trying to drive home, or punch someone in the face for some offhand comment, requiring the other person to get 10 stitches in his lip - but that doesn't mean Christians are immune to bad decision making.  I know more than a few who have stayed in horrid marriages because that's what they believe God told them to do, or they try to suppress who they are and end up leading lives that are a lie, which often incites depression, anger and shattered families.

Either way, the situations are tough, and they take a lot of work to repair and to heal, and to heal, we need strength.

My one friend is convinced her strength will ultimately come from her faith in God, and from the faith of those around her.  Of course, I'm no help in the faith department, but I am also not going to knock hers.  She has been put through the wringer repeatedly, and yet she never gives up in her determination to keep going.  She really believes deep in her heart that God is going to see her through all the trials and tribulations she has been facing, and if that helps her find her way back to herself, then more power to her.  My shoulder is hers whenever she needs it, on the off chance God happens not to be around that day.

My other friend found his in being a parent; at some point he realized no one else was going to step up and be a father to this child he had created, and, therefore, it was time he did.  In the process, he has not only become a damn good father, but an incredible man (although he swears the letters D, A, and D are being replaced with A, T, and M; oh, the joys of parenthood).  He is fully willing to give credit to those who helped him to get where he is now, but he also worked his bloody ass off as well, and still does.

Me...my strength came from a weakness; I got sick.  God didn't cause the ulcers to erupt in my stomach or my gallbladder to go bad; years of burying stress, anger and misery and eating shitty food did that.  Getting sick forced me to change a lot about my life; not just about what I ate, but how I looked at things.  I topped the scales at 180 pounds in April, which I realized wasn't pretty on a 5' frame.  But as the weight started to come off, I started to feel better - a lot better.  I had lost 35 pounds by the time I had surgery to repair some of the damage; by that time, people had really started to notice and tell me how much better I looked, and how I seemed happier.  After the surgery, I decided to keep it up, and I've lost 50 pounds altogether, and I'm in better shape than I was at 20 (and I'm in better shape than a lot of 20 year olds, so please TAKE NOTE).   For the first time in years, I feel good, and I'm happy, and it is helped me to take steps to address other issues in my life and deal with them for the better.

The other thing that gave me strength was reestablishing friendships I thought long gone, as well as making a few new connections; I had forgotten how it feels to laugh so hard at what is sometimes the stupidest shit in the world, and how a conversation about ill-fitting undies can take on a life of its own.  It's wonderful to know these people again, while learning about others.  I'm sure someone will say God brought these people into my life, but last time I checked, God didn't create Facebook.

Strength is what you make it, and you have to discover where to find it.  We all have it, and now it is time to make good use of it...all of it.

The same thing has happened twice this year, and it proves that we have taken political correctness way too far in this country.  The first happened in May when kids in one California school were chastised for wearing shirts with the American flag on Cinco de Mayo, and the second happened this past week when a boy was told to remove the American flag from his bicycle.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/05/06/2010-05-06_california_kids_blasted_for_wearing_american_flag_shirts_on_cinco_de_mayo.html

http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktxl-americanflagbike11122010,0,3045879.htmlstory

I'm sorry (actually, I'm not), but this is bullshit, especially when the reason turns out to be the same in both cases, and that reason is because people whose heritage stems from a different country are offended.

In the case in California, some Hispanic students complained because they thought the kids who wore the shirts with the American flags on them were "insensitive" to a day that was special in Mexico; however, there's a problem with that...the holiday isn't a national Mexican holiday, has very little to do with Mexican independence (that is celebrated on September 16, but Cinco de Mayo is a lot easier to drink to than diez y seis de septiembre), and it isn't widely celebrated in Mexico.  Cinco de Mayo represents the victory of the Mexican army over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862, and it is still celebrated in the state of Puebla, but that's as far as it goes.  Yet it has become big business in the United States, and now it seems at the expense of our own flag.

The second incident stemmed from complaints, again, about how it was offensive to be able to fly the American flag on the back of a bicycle when the Mexican flag couldn't be brought to school.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Last time I checked, I don't live in Mexico, I live in the United States.  I don't go to Mexico and expect to be allowed to fly the American flag everywhere (and I don't expect translators, either; I speak Spanish fluently), and I don't see why the Mexican flag should be allowed to take precedence over our own flag here;  it infuriates me that we have become such a nation of pussies that we cannot take a stand for what that flag represents.  And what angers me even more is that the people complaining the loudest most likely weren't born in Mexico...they were born here, in the United States, which entitles them to the best this country has to offer, including the right to enjoy their heritage.

I am not trying to be racist, and I have no problem with the celebration of Mexican/Hispanic culture; but the celebration of this culture, or any culture, should not supersede the homogeneity that United States was meant to be.  We are a melting pot, not a bunch of little side dishes all demanding equal footing at the buffet table, and our flag represents this homogeneity.  When we start teaching our children that this is no longer the case, and, in fact, start punishing them for standing behind our flag, then we begin to erode the unity that has made this country great for over 200 hundred years.  And that's not fair...not fair to the Founding Fathers, nor to the people who have lived for, fought for, and died for this country, and that includes some people who are very, very close to my own heart, and to whom I have more respect than I can ever convey.

The United States has always entertained a variety in its populations: Republican or Democrat; Liberal or Conservative; Christian or Atheist; but the one thing we have always had is patriotism, and this patriotism has allowed the Christian and the Atheist and the Democrat and the Republican and the Liberal and the Conservative to stand together in defense of our nation.  This is why I insist my children stand every day with their classmates and say the Pledge of Allegiance (complete with the "One Nation Under God" part), and why I make sure they learn our history.  I want them to be proud of who they are and where they come from, and I don't want them to ever feel the necessity to bow to another nation's flag...unless they move there.

To my veteran friends - Thank you, and I will always be proud of our flag because of you.

I have a question for some of my Christian friends who follow this blog (whether they admit it or not):

My girls go to church.  I haven't hidden the fact from them that I'm not a believer, but I have decided to not force my lack of belief on them.  We all make decisions and determinations in our lives, and we deal with whatever the consequences of our choices may be.  My oldest has been very frank with me about her desire to learn about God and to establish a "relationship" with him/her/it, and I see no reason to counter that desire with my absolute lack of. 

We have actually had several discussions about it, and I usually end up telling her the same thing:  the only person who can make this choice is you.  If you truly want to go to church and learn about the Bible the way that whatever church you attend teaches you, then I will encourage you to do so, because the more you know, the better equipped you become to choose. And if you ultimately decide that you want to be a Christian, then I will support and respect this decision, as long as you respect my decision not to be.  I also have no problem with her asking me questions about something that was said, or the sermon that was preached, because I want her to know both sides of the issue.

So here is my question...does this door open both ways? 

If you are a Christian, and your child comes to you and says he or she no longer believes (or perhaps never did), how would you handle it?  Are you going to accept your child's proclamation, and allow him or her to stop going to church, but leave yourself open to the option that one day he or she might return to a life of faith?  Or are you going to insist your child keeps going to church every Sunday in hopes that somehow this loss of faith is only temporary, or that the belief will somehow force its way back in?

I am not knocking Christians, because I know atheists who are just as adamant that their children grow up to be nonbelievers; however, I don't believe you can lead your child's life for him (or her), and there are some things they just have to decide for themselves.

So tell me...what would you do?  How would you handle it?

This morning I took the final step toward getting my life back, and I never realized until now how something could be so easy and so complicated at the same time.  It is easy in the fact that it has been coming for a long, long time, and complicated because no matter how hard I try, there is still the inevitable guilt, anger and frustration that tears into you when you look into the faces of two innocent children who are wondering what in the hell is going on.

I have given up 16 1/2 years trying to make this work, and I'm to the point where I just can't do it anymore; the last 3 years have almost destroyed me.  When I look at it now, I think that's the key...I shouldn't be feeling like I've given up my life for someone else; mutual sacrifice I can understand, but not this kind of loss of self.  I have swallowed far more anger and resentment than any one person should be forced to (although I know there are those who have endured far more than I).

One thing I have noticed about my friends whose marriages have all endured is that there is more giving than there is taking.  I know it sounds corny, but it is true.  They give each other support; when one is sick, the other steps up.  When one is tired, the other makes dinner.  When one just needs some affection, the other gives it.  And when the tables are turned, the one gives it all back.  They each appreciate the other as a gift, and they cherish what they have been given.  My grandparents survived 52 years together this way; when one died, the other followed from a broken heart.

I am not a needy person; I don't need to hear "I love you" 10 times a day, or to be waited on, or to be put on a pedestal.  I don't need to be taken care of when I'm sick (in fact, you will find I am much easier to deal with if you leave me alone and let me be sick in peace).  I don't mind giving, and if you show me just a little appreciation, I will give you everything I have, and then some.  I don't believe in doing things half assed (except cleaning house, but that's a different matter); but when I start getting taken for granted, I can't give anymore, and in this case, it's way beyond that.

I have been asked repeatedly if there is someone else; even though there is someone skirting my peripheral vision, it is strictly coincidence.  As I said, this has been coming, and has been coming for quite some time.  But I was sick of being asked, and so this morning I finally said yes.  Yes, there is someone else.  Of course the demand was made that I say who, but the answer was simple.

The someone else is me.

Every so often we all have someone come into our lives who leave such a mark, good or bad, that no matter how far away they go, or how much time has passed, or even if death has claimed them, we can never let that person go.  I have been fortunate enough to have someone like that not just once, but three times.  Each of these people has changed me and the way I look at my world in some way.

Today would have been one of these people's 38th birthday if cancer hadn't claimed him in 2008 at 35.  I could go on for a while about what if felt like when I opened the paper and saw his obituary, but why?  Instead, he is one I would rather remember him as I knew him; strong, tough, defiant, and full of ego and shit.  He and his buddies "ruled the cruise" in our day, and everyone knew when he was in town.  He was the quintessential bad boy; nothing and no one ever phased him.  And he drove me absolutely crazy.

I will never forget the time he and his friends decided to go camping, and it was somehow determined that I was going, too.  I remember standing there thinking he was just flaming crazy if he thought for a second that I was going anywhere with them; it was almost 10 o'clock at night in October and it was COLD...and anyone who knows me knows if there is one thing I cannot stand, it is being cold.  I told him repeatedly which end of my ass he could kiss, and he just kept looking at me with that cocky ass smile of his.  Next thing I knew, I was loaded up in a truck, and I was going camping.

I froze my ass off that night, and by morning, I was ready to kill him; that sentiment didn't change when he, suffering from a hangover no less, dropped a cooler in front of me and asked me how long until breakfast.  I was like, I am not cooking breakfast.  He just said, "Well, what do you think we brought you for?", and we weren't leaving until I fixed breakfast.  I think I invented names to call him on the way home.

We lost touch after he went into the military, but I never forgot him.  Then, when I saw him several years later, there was no mistaking those blue eyes and that cocky ass smile, and there's no forgetting them, either.

The second one is a friend who I use to raise holy hell with, and who I am now regaining a closeness to because, even though our lives took very different paths, we have endured the same trials, tribulations and struggles.  There is a kindred there; we have both battled with depression, which means we have a unique kind of understanding and support for each other.  There is a certain level of strength that I gain from her, and that she gains from me.

The third...well, that one defies explanation, because I can't define how this person has affected my life so greatly; I just know, and I'm glad I do (whether this person has figured this out or not, I don't know...but I'm good with that).

I guess the best anyone can ever hope for is to have just one person like my three, because they are the ones who help make our lives special; they give us our memories (although some are sometimes painful), and they give us something to look forward to.  They provide us connections to our pasts, conversations for our present, and reasons to look toward the future.  I know my life would not be the same without these people in it.

In Memory of Jesse Neal Simpson, Jr.

November 13, 1972 - May 13, 2008

May you forever be at peace...

My mother lost her battle with drug addiction 5 years ago today when she learned the hard way that pneumonia, COPD, and an eight ball of cocaine don't play nicely together.  She died the same way she lived her life; hard and brutal, and her death was a sentence I would not pass on my worst enemy.

I remember sitting in the hospital unable to do a thing as she panicked while every organ in her body failed.  She couldn't breathe because her lungs were filled with fluid; her heart was beating so fast and her blood pressure was so high that every blood vessel in her eyes ruptured.  She had turned this sickly yellow and she was foaming at the mouth; she was in such a panic that they had physically restrained her, and all the skin over her wrists was torn and bruised.  She was begging my uncle and me to either kill her or save her; she wasn't even coherent enough to make sense from one minute to the other.  It was absolutely the most horrible thing I have ever watched happen in my entire life.

When the doctor came, he took me aside and told me point blank: your mother is going to die, and she either dies like this, or you give me permission to force her into a coma so she can die in peace.  I didn't even have to think about signing the form, and I stood there while they administered the narcotics; her drug tolerance was so high that the amount they gave her would have killed a 200 pound man in less than 15 minutes, and even then it still took nearly two hours and two more doses before she finally slipped into the coma from which she would never wake up.

My mother was an enigma; there was no rhyme or reason as to why she was the way she was, other than she was just born that way.  She had never been a warm or loving person, and I was often told that even as a child, she could be cold and manipulative.  Addiction, depression and psychopathic behavior runs rampant in my family history, and these traits culminated in her...it was just one of those things.

Truth be known, my mother did have her better moments; she was an incredibly gifted artist, and something about my oldest daughter triggered a certain instinct in her that no one else did.  Furthermore, she was good for an entertaining instant or two.  I will never forget her and a big old tom turkey that I had; that thing just hated her, and he would wait for any opportunity to chase her.  One day she pulled up in my driveway, and I saw her looking for that turkey.  I knew right where he was; he liked to hide on the other side of the hedge by the side of my house.  But she didn't see him, so she figured it was safe to make it through the front door.  I just watched her out my kitchen window, because I knew...

Sure as shit, here he came.  My mother's eyes got wide as could be when she saw him, and she started flying up the ramp to my deck with that damn turkey right behind her, his head bright red, wings outstretched and flapping and tail feathers straight up in the air.  He's gobbling up a storm, and she's yelling, "Heather!  Get your goddamn turkey!!" 

And I'm of no help, because I was in my kitchen absolutely rolling. 

She finally made it in the house; she yelled at me and cussed at me, and the more she yelled and the more she cussed, the harder I laughed.  After about the 20th threat to turn him into Thanksgiving dinner, she finally calmed down, but it took her a good three days to get over being mad at me.  (Meanwhile, that crotchety thing paced up and down the deck in front of the door for the next hour, still all puffed up and gobbling every so often just to let her know he was waiting for her.  I was nice, though, and penned him before she left.)

She was also the one who helped me recover from a near fatal illness after my first child was born.  Eva was barely three weeks old when I collapsed one day from a massive E. coli infection which had settled in my kidneys and a staph infection in the c-section incision; either one on its own could have landed me in the hospital, but combined they were almost lethal, and I had been suffering from both since my daughter had been born (I had also had preeclampsia and had to undergo an emergency cesarean after 29 hours of labor, which left my immune system compromised).  She sat by my side in the hospital for three days helping care for my newborn daughter while they pumped me full of antibiotics, trying to save what was left of my kidneys.  (Glad to report that my kidneys are now fine.)

When she went into the hospital for the last time, we knew she was never going to be the same.  My uncle and I had spent the morning making arrangements for hospice and nursing care, as well as for her impending death (although we weren't expecting it to happen as quickly as it did; we thought a month, two at most).   My family has always died at home, and my mother was going to be no different - I was fully ready to take care of her for however long necessary.

Maybe this was her way of making sure I didn't have to.

I honestly think my mother knew she was close to the end of her life even before this last bout; about three weeks before she died, my youngest daughter, who had just barely turned a year, was trying to climb on her lap.  My mom picked her up and held her, then she said to me, "Do you think Isella will remember me when I'm gone?"  She then looked at my daughter and just smiled.  After a moment, she said, "No.  She will have no memory of me."  I didn't give those words much thought then, but have never forgotten them since.

So now, five years down the road, I still catch myself thinking about her, and, in a weird sort of way, missing her.  She had always considered herself a free spirit (although she also said she never figured out quite how to land), and there was nothing more fitting of that sentiment than when we released her ashes above the canyon, and the coldest wind I swear I have ever felt in my life caught them and sent them swirling through the air.  It was at that moment when I realized that all the demons who had tormented her all of her life were gone, and she was finally and truly free.

A very curious thing happened the other day; I had not participated in the religion and faith forum I belong to for about a week, so I thought I'd check in.  As I was reading through one of the threads, I caught a dig at me and at my blog; one of the other members, the one who said he would pray that I would at least get an interview for the next $7.25 an hour job I applied for, accused me of "skewering" what he said, and "warned" the other members of the group to be careful of what they said to me, because I would turn it around on my blog.

I about fell off my chair laughing.

First of all, I have never hidden the fact that I write a blog, and secondly, when I ask this groups opinions on certain issues, I let them know I may use it in the blog.  It should be noted that this particular member and I, however, constantly go rounds.  He is, without a doubt, one of the more fundamentalist members of the group, and I, without a doubt, am not.  If there is a fight to be had, we have had it.

Truth be known, I don't think he's a bad guy; but I do believe his "version" of things are as skewered as he accuses me of being.  He is one of those people who grew up in faith, kind of lost it for a while, and then gained it back with a ferocity usually only found in a predator/prey situation.  I have no doubt he truly believes what he says, repeatedly, over and over, and then a few more times just in case we all missed it the during the previous 500 statements, but he does so with such a rigidity that he often leaves no room for discussion.  This means that what could be a well rounded debate turns into a battle with neither side gaining ground.  (And rarely is there a discussion that doesn't include at least one reference to the fourth turning, to someone's personal life, or to the internal vs. external locus of control, which has led me to wanting to tell him to take his locus and shove it internally up his control.)

I think part of the problem, though, is that I, along with some of the other atheists in this group, are just as rigid and unforgiving.  He is far from the only person I have engaged in extremely heated discussions with; however, many of them tend to retain some level of cordiality, even when there is absolutely no chance of agreement.  Yet there is very little of that with this particular person, and to say putting us in a room together and locking the door would be a bad idea is the absolute understatement of the year.

But that's not good, either, because, as someone whom I've grown to care for quite dearly and whose opinion I do respect a lot, reminded me once before, when I get to the point where I can no longer give room for their beliefs and opinions, then I really become no different than the people whose absolutely rigid fundamentalist views drive me crazy.  (Ding, I know you are reading this, and are sure you know whom I am referring to, but it isn't, and if you still think it is, you can go fly.)  Of course, my friend was referring more to the people who offer prayers and support as a genuine aspect of their faith, but it applies here as well.  If we both just want to spout our side without respecting the side of the other, then there will never be conversation, and without conversation, there cannot be consensus, and without consensus, there can be no balance, and without balance...well, you get the idea.

Truth be known, there are several members of this group who, while I may not agree with their views, I have a great deal of respect for.  They are just good people overall, and when they offer something, the try to keep it positive (they also tend to stay out of the more intense conversations).  I could probably learn from them if I would let go of some of this ego of mine; in fact, all of us fundamentalists on either side could.

Maybe if I took a page from their book, I could be part of the solution, instead of just the catalyst for an argument.

"Hope" and "Faith"

"Hope" is such a loaded word; people will tell you to have hope, not to give up hope, and to not lose hope.  On the flip side, others will tell you not to get your hopes up, don't set your hopes to high, and while it's alright to hope for the best, you still need to prepare for the worst.  You can have all your hopes met, or all your hopes dashed, or you there can be no hope for you at all.  So what, exactly, am I suppose to do with it?

A lot of times, the word "hope" is used in conjunction with the word "faith", which also can be far more loaded than its one syllable would indicate.  Both words carry such positive, yet such negative, connotations; you can have all the faith in the world in someone, and the next day, lose all the faith you ever had in that same person.  By the same token, you can have such high hopes for something you want so dearly, and then when it doesn't, lose all faith that anything like it will ever happen again.  Those two words can bring a lot of joy, but at the same time, deliver more than enough pain.

I really try to avoid engaging in either one; it is much easier to handle the disappointment that comes with having your hopes destroyed and your faith lost if you avoid it in the first place.  Perhaps that is a pessimistic, not to mention jaded, stance to take, but it is by far safer, at least for me...yet despite my very guarded nature, sometimes they both manage to sneak in.  I've been feeling them (hope more so than faith) sneaking around, and I have caught myself wanting to open up, in spite of the possible hurt I can experience with either one.  I have been asking myself all day if I can do it, and if it's even worth it.

Today has been one of those weird, off kilter days because of what has been playing out in my mind.  My normal, arrogant, egotistical self has been rocked a little, and that is something I am just not use to.  My brain has been going back and forth all day between wanting to, yet not daring to, and it hasn't even begun to settle down.  This isn't me; I don't do this...I don't let myself go to that place of hopes and dreams and uncertainties, and here I've come close to doing just that.

And it hurts.

By tomorrow, I'm sure I will have wrestled myself back to that place of guarded control which is, by far, my comfort zone, with all of its complications firmly in tact.  But today, I seem to be losing the match.  Perhaps I should just give in for now, and hope by tomorrow it will all be back to normal, and have faith that it will be.

I sometimes wonder if I'm cut out for this mommy thing; don't get me wrong...I love my girls.  However, there are days when I think I just suck at being a mother.

I never wanted kids; I was firmly convinced that I didn't need to be a parent to feel "happy" or "fulfilled", and I know plenty of childless people who are very content with their lives.  However, I was pretty much talked into the first and thought, well, I can handle one.  Truth be known, I almost didn't; the pregnancy was very hard, and I became very sick.  The strain was so hard on my system that I almost lost her at birth, and I came very close to dying from massive kidney and staph infections three weeks later.  The doctor told me no more; my body could not handle the stress of pregnancy.  That suited me just fine...one was more than enough for me.

Besides, I didn't know if I was going to survive this whole new parent thing.  I had my own battle with depression after she was born, and I was just absolutely hyper protective of this little girl.  I had made plans to return to work after she was born, thinking it would not phase me, but I couldn't do it.  I could not leave her with anyone else, and didn't for nearly two years.  Not only that, but something about my oldest caused a change in my mother; she morphed from candidate for worst mother in the world to super grandma, and she and my daughter formed a bond I have never been able to explain.  (My mother died shortly after my second child's first birthday; Isella doesn't even remember her.)

For some unknown reason, I was not permanently "fixed" after the first, although by rights I should have been.  I was given some explanation about wanting to wait until after I turned 30 (I was 27 when I had my first).  30 came and went, and so did 31.  By this time, I was sick of taking medication, and I decided it was time to get it done.  I went to the doctor at the end of January; he came back into the room and said he would be glad to do the procedure...in October.  I almost passed out.

Because of the problems with the first pregnancy, terminating the second pregnancy was discussed, but only very, very briefly.  There was no way I could do it.  So I was monitored very closely by specialists, but pregnancy #2 went off without a hitch, and along came my second daughter.  Since we already knew I was going to have a cesarean (I had an emergency one with the first), arrangements were made to ensure there were no more surprises.  (When I was on the table, the doctor asked me if I sure I wanted to have my tubes removed.  I told him for all I gave a shit he could take out the whole fucking thing and burn it.)

Now, 6 years later, I have two girls with two totally different personalities.  Eva (pronounced AVA, and she will let you know it) is my softie with  the big heart.  The girl does not know a stranger, and goes out of her way to include everyone.  She is also my more sensible and my more sensitive; I do have to be careful with how I say things, because everything is taken to heart.  Isella, on the other hand, is her mother, in spades, x 3.  She is overly confident and fearless, and she has no problem with tearing the world a new asshole as she sees fit.  To say she will be the one to give me a stroke is an understatement; I often say she is punishment for everything I have ever done wrong in my entire life...and there is plenty.

One would think I would have gotten at least a half a handle on this parenting thing by now, but I still struggle with it.  I am not an affectionate person by nature; it drives me nuts when casual friends or acquaintances want to hug me, or when people I'm not familiar with touch me.  But kids want to be loved; they want to be hugged and held and comforted, and I had to teach myself to relax and not withdraw when they wanted to cuddle up to me or climb on my lap.  I had to also learn to control what was once an extremely vicious temper, and to learn to measure my actions and reactions to fit the situation, and not just with them, but with other people...especially when they are around.

One of the biggest challenges I face daily, though, is to not let my past come through with them.  I blew up at Eva one day because she thought she was going to wear a pair of dirty pants to school when she had plenty of clean ones in her closet.  I told her no child of mine was walking out of this house without a bath and without clean clothes.  I was talking to my uncle about it later, and he asked me if the pants were really that dirty (they weren't), and if she had been clean and bathed at the time, and I said, yes.  He then asked me if the real reason I hadn't gotten so out of sorts is because I didn't want someone saying to her what had been said to me, and he was right.  When I was in third grade, I was living with my mother.  We never had money, because she was either drinking it all or snorting it, and I was lucky if there was shampoo in the house, let alonepointing out how filthy I was and how bad I stunk to the entire class.  She would stand me up in front of the other kids and tell them I was a perfect example of how not to take care of one's self.  She would tell me she wished I wouldn't bother wasting her time showing up to her class, because I would never be worth anything anyway.

No matter how hard you try to bury that kind of psychological trauma, it stays in your brain and picks the most inopportune times to pop out, and that's what happened that day.  I had to suck it up and apologize to my daughter, because I had severely overreaction to a minor situation, and while she still was not wearing dirty pants (no matter how only slightly dirty they were) to school, it did not warrant the temper snit she had experienced. 

I'm sure my learning curve is far from over; I am just entering the teenage years with the one,  and already the conversations are starting about friends and boys and school and boys and futures and boys; as for the other...she's already taken over her school, and she will either end up a politician, a lawyer or an actress, or some combination of all three.  But I think both girls have good heads on their shoulders, and in some ways, they are smarter than I am.  Even though I am far from perfect, I am trying, and that's the best I can do.

I have been told that the best validation of a parent's life is to have your child's life and accomplishments exceed those of your own, and I see nothing different for my two girls.  I am sure we will have bumps and setbacks and drama, but all in all, I know they are going to do well in life.

As a parent, I can ask for nothing more.

(I know you are all wondering what happened to the teacher...after the cops were finally called on my mother, and my grandparents were called to come get me, my grandmother showed up.  Somehow, she ended up at the school, and in the course of things, found out what had been said to me and about me.  By the time she was done, it was a wonder the school was left standing, and the teacher wasn't.)

Today has been one of those days...gorgeous inside and out.  With the exception of a minor altercation at Home Depot, it has been, for the most part, incredible all the way around.

I hate the cold, and have been dreading the onset of yet another winter; however, today I was given a respite from that dread...70 degrees with only a hint of clouds.  Today I was able to sit back and actually appreciate the blaze of autumn colors throughout the valley.  I had the time today to spoil my cows with doughnuts and ear scratches, and to even stretch out for a quick nap in the sun.

I don't have many days like this...days where I have the time to enjoy everything around me.  My life tends to be hectic and often complicated; true, I bring a lot of the complication on myself, because I am a stubborn and complicated person.  However, something has happened recently which has made me realize that it doesn't always need to be this way, and there is room for contentment in my world.

On top of all that, I also had the joy of being given far more credit than I deserve by a person who I believe is really a far stronger person than I.  This says so much about the strength of character, and the bond among friends, and I definitely consider her a friend.

Winter is suppose to sneak back this weekend with cold and rain, but for now, I can still take in this day.  In fact, it is still in the low 60's, and I am considering sneaking outside for a quick walk just to take in the night air.  Tomorrow will more than likely have it all back to normal, but for today, it's all good.

Parent/teacher conferences are tomorrow, and I have an issue I ought to address with my oldest daughter's teacher, and I'm trying to decide how to do it without sounding like a total bitch.  Normally, it would not phase me, but my child is particularly fond of this teacher, and so I want to handle it carefully as to not affect their relationship, but still get the point across.

This teacher is very religious and very, very conservative, and, well, I'm not; this disparity between the instructor and the parent has created a little bit of confusion in my child.  Bear in mind my kids do not attend a private, religious school, which means neither religion nor politics belongs in the classroom; yet both have found their way to this classroom.  While I understand the area in which I live is fairly religious and very conservative, and most of the parents would not have any real problem with what is going on, I am not most parents, and I do have a problem with it.

However, I have to decide if it is really worth bringing up, or if I should let it go.

This is a constant struggle for me, and sometimes I wonder if I should continue to live where my beliefs and my views are so vastly different from so much of the population.  I have been asked on occasion why I do live here; it isn't like I haven't lived in other places (Phoenix and L.A.), or had the opportunity to travel extensively; but this has always pretty much been home.  My grandparents lived here for over 30 years, and I still reside on a property which has been in my family since 1907; it, and another property, are mine free and clear, and that's something not a lot of people can say.  Not only that, but my children were born here, and have been raised here.  Both love the school they attend, and, for the most part, they are happy, well adjusted kids. 

But does all this make it worth staying?  Truth be known, if it weren't for my children and for the properties, I more than likely wouldn't remain.  I also have a have a home in Seattle, and I could very easily disappear into that city's framework and never cause a ripple; my views and my beliefs would never be questioned.  But the truth of the matter is that I do have children (although I am sure they would adjust to city life), and I do own properties, and whether I will admit it or not, there is a connection that I have to this place.  I'm not saying that connection could never be broken, and at sometime it just might be; but for now, it is still very much in tact, and the thought of running from here simply because of the challenges I face over who I am and what I believe seems almost cowardly.

So how to deal with this teacher who thinks Sarah Palin is just oh, so GREAT?  I guess the best I can do is address it with her openly, honestly, and directly; not in a confrontational manner, but in a way that hopefully conveys that while I respect her, and I appreciate the connection she has with my daughter, I would ask that she also show the same respect to me and to our differences of opinion.

And speaking of opinions, my daughter has voiced hers, and that is for me to not say anything, which is a very real option.  Perhaps she's right; perhaps I should just let it go and just make sure my daughter knows that if she has questions about something brought up in the classroom (Sarah Palin is NOT GREAT), she can come to me and talk it out.  Besides I want her to know that people can think and believe in different ways and still be good people, and her teacher truly is a good person.

Maybe the best thing I can do is go to the conference and see how the conversation plays out; if the opening presents itself, then I can talk it out with the teacher.  If it doesn't, then I will let it go and just monitor the situation, making sure to step in if it really starts to get out of hand.

Meanwhile, I will just remind myself how much in rains in Seattle.

Today's Bible Lesson: The First Two Chapters of Genesis

How can the Bible be the inerrant word of God when it can't even get the creation story straight?

Anyone who has actually studied the Bible knows there are two separate creation stories found in the first two chapters of Genesis. 

In one, man is created first, then the animals, then woman; in the other the animals are created first, and man and woman at the same time.

In one, all the plants are created first; in the other, man is created first, and the gardens grew after, including the trees found in the Garden of Eden.

Woman is "credited" with the fall of man; but according to the second chapter of Genesis, she was not told by God to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, only Adam was.  Eve hadn't even been made yet (even though according to the first chapter, they were made at the same time, although there is no mention of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the first chapter, although all the plants and trees had been created before man and woman).

And I'm suppose to believe the rest of it...

Tomorrow's topic:  Noah and the Flood

The "Price" of Friendship

It is a sentiment I hear all too often, and on both sides of the scene; friendship always seems to come with a price.  It doesn't seem to matter, either, if you are on the "giving" end, or the "receiving" end of the friendship; it somehow ends up costing you, whether that cost is mental or emotional (or, least important, monetary).  This is a tough edict for me to accept, because I was always taught true friendship came without any strings attached.

My grandfather once told me that on the day of your death, if you could count the number of true friends on one hand, you would die a wealthy person, and I believe that, and I am very fortunate to say that I have that very number of people I consider my friends, plus one or two more.  For me, it is far less about the accumulation, and far more about the asset.

My oldest daughter is in the process of learning this lesson herself; she told me last night that sometimes she feels "used" by her some of her friends, because all they seem to want is for her to do things for them, but never with them.  I told her not to do whatever it is they keep asking her to do, to which she answered with what has to be a standard 11 year old response: "But then they won't like me."

I bit back my initial retort, which was basically to tell these people to go fuck themselves, because I knew that really wasn't the answer, and would do nothing to help her.  It is hard, regardless of one's age, to not be "liked"; I know plenty of adults who still go out of their way to do something for someone else just so they feel "liked".  So, instead, I asked her, "Does *this person* make you feel this way?  How about that person?"  We went through her list, and when we were done, I told her to look at the people who she felt good when she was around, and consider them as her friends, and to keep the rest at a distance.  I told her it wasn't necessary to be mean or rude, and it was fine to be friendly; however, just don't expect them to be part of her circle, and don't worry so much about whether they "like" her.  Will she listen?  Hard to say, but it was the best answer I could give.

I think part of the problem is that friendship, like so many other things, has been cheapened to the point where no one recognizes it anymore.  We've turned choosing friends into nothing more than any other TV dating show (personally, if I was Paris Hilton's "bff", I would tell her to pull her head out of her ass and grow the fuck up).  There seems to be no value in having a friend, or being a friend.

And that's bullshit.

Personally, I'm not a "cosmetic" friend; if I am going to be someone's friend, I want that person to know I will gladly put myself on the line for that person, and I don't expect anything in return.  My grandmother was firmly convinced that the only way to have friends is to be a friend, and I have no problem being that friend.  Of course I have been burned, but who hasn't?  It just keeps from becoming too complacent and from taking those I do consider my friends for granted.

Besides, who knows?  Maybe someday one of those people who I hold so close will be that friend for me.

It has been one of those days when I wonder if sometimes I am not too "tough" for my own good;  I am stubborn and hardheaded and everything else that is suppose to go with my birth sign (Taurus - not that I believe in that, either).  Saturday, a mouse decided to make a feast on one of the power connections in my stove, and the stove repaid this poor mouse by catching on fire and turning it into BBQ rodent.  While the mouse disposal, while rather cruel, was all well and good, it left me without a stove.  So yesterday I had to go buy a new stove, which I brought home and installed, and today, I had to take the old stove to the dump.

Another one of my friends promptly gave me grief over loading this stove into the back of my truck by myself and hauling it to the dump, where I unloaded it...by myself.  It is a conversation she and I have had more than once before, and it usually culminates in me being told that I need to learn to play my "woman card".  First of all, I am not sure exactly what this "woman card" is (although I have read about it), and secondly, I don't think I'd know how to play it, even if I had it; it is just not in my nature to play "weak" or "vulnerable".

This isn't to say that I don't ever need help, and wouldn't like it on occasion, but I don't know how to ask for it, and I don't want to have to ask for it.  It doesn't matter to me if it is of a physical nature, or of an emotional nature (or a mental nature, as the case may be); I am simply not the type to ask someone to be there for me, nor am I the type to expect it.  I guess I have gotten to the point where the thought of relying on another person scares me.  I have become so use to doing everything that almost everyone around me has become use to it as well, and they have become comfortable with doing nothing at all.

My friend is a princess, and she expects to be treated as such.  Granted, she does not have my physical strength, and she simply isn't capable of doing even half of what I do (a lot of which I enjoy, honestly).  But there is more than just the physical aspect; she demands respect and support from her husband (and she gives a lot back in return).  She enjoys the wine, the flowers and the thought of him drawing her a bubble bath in the evening so she can relax.  He really does treat her like a queen, complete with pedestal, and she revels in that role.

But, honestly, that isn't what I want, or need, from the man who is with me.  I don't drink wine, I don't wear jewelry, and flowers die.  Hot baths are nice, but I'd really rather share it, without the bubbles.  I also don't care for pedestals; I have found them to be cold and drafty places...I don't want to have someone looking up at me; I want someone who is right beside me.  And I need someone who is going to realize that I'm not always as tough as I seem.  I want someone who is going to appreciate me and care for me, and maybe fix me a cup of coffee sometimes in the morning.  I want a partner; I don't need a prince.

Granted, I am a smart ass and can flip shit with the best of them, but if I'm with you, I will give whatever I have to make your life better (and I treat the people I consider friends the same way); however, if I have to ask for that cup of coffee in the morning, I'm just going to go get it myself.  

I had my ass handed to me last night, and deservedly so.  A friend of mine is going through a crisis in her life, and as a means of support, many of her other friends have said, "I will pray for you," or something to that extent.  So, as I was discussing the situation with a mutual friend of ours, I popped off about how I found it interesting that everyone wants to "pray" for her, when it doesn't do a damn bit of good.  Our mutual friend promptly reminded me that I shouldn't be so harsh, because they feel like it is, and so does she, especially now that her own faith has been shattered. 

And he was absolutely right.

One of the things that has happened with my own journey into atheism, and my battles with "Christians", is that I have become very jaded toward religion as a whole, and that simply isn't fair.  Every entity has its good and its bad, and religion is no different.  My problem is I get so use to dealing with the one type - the holier than thou who swear to be God's personal spokesperson - that I become hard pressed to remember the other...those who simply live what they believe, and who were sincerely offering the prayers of hope for my friend.

Truth be known, Atheism is really no different; there are the militant type who insist everyone knows there is no God, and who willing go to very public war with the likes of James Dobson; and then there are those who are just simply content not to believe.  I fall somewhere in between the two; I'm not going to throw a major fit over the Pledge of Allegiance or "In God We Trust" on the currency, but if you get in my face, I'm going to hand your ass back to you in pieces.  (Mormon missionaries and Jehovah's Witnesses avoid my house at all costs.)

The funny thing is that I have quite a few friends who are Christian (minus the quotations), and they are incredibly good people.  Granted, a few try to talk me into going to church on Sunday, telling me that finding God will help me find peace in my life (to which I tell them I have far more peace in my life now than at any time as a believer), but for the most part, they leave me alone.  They know I don't find the same level of comfort in faith that they do, and with a few exceptions, they seem alright with that.

I think part of the reason I get so wound up is because of my own struggle with letting go of something I knew in my heart I no longer believed.  It was not an easy thing; I had grown up as a Christian, and still clung to the belief that there was something out there who was going to protect me, even as I was getting mentally and emotionally beaten by many who professed to be followers of this all powerful, all knowing and all loving God.  In fact, that is why I became a Biblical scholar; I wanted to be able to defend myself and others against these people, and so I knew what to say when I was told I was going to hell for being a bastard child (that, by the way, is very Biblical - Deuteronomy 23:2), among other things. 

But the more I read, and the more I studied, the less it all began to make sense.  I wanted to understand the purpose for striking down 42 children because they made fun of a bald prophet, or why an innocent baby was killed as a punishment for the actions of grown man.  I couldn't digest that women were nothing.  I was baffled as to why people were put to death for nothing more than saying the wrong thing...none of these things were anything we were taught about in Sunday School or what was conveyed when we sang "Jesus Loves Me".  I finally realized it was all bullshit, but I still was reluctant to let go of "God"; instead, I just blamed it all on the authors of this so called Holy Book.  In fact, I was in my mid-thirties when I finally realized there was nothing left of what I had once called faith; honestly, that realization brought far more comfort to me than anything related to religion, because for the first time in my life, I knew that I, alone, was fully responsible for who I was and what I became...God had nothing to do with it.

However, that doesn't give me the right to be so hard on people who have their faith.  It's a hard lesson to learn, and a difficult balance to achieve, that trick of defending yourself against judgment, while not becoming judgmental, and I haven't quite gotten there.  These people meant nothing bad by wanting to pray for my friend; they were just offering what they could.  Instead of being such a shit about it, I should have been hoping she could garner strength from the thought that there were people willing to ask God to help.  She needs support, and they can give her that support in a way I can't.  Oh, I can joke with her and make her laugh, and I could be on her doorstep tomorrow to be a rock for her, but I can't, and I won't, pray for her.

So instead, I will just be there for her in my way, and let them be there for her in theirs; maybe between us all, we can see her through it, and our old friend will be back to her crazy self once again.

Since I'm An Atheist, Does That Mean I Don't Count????

I received an email yesterday about how politicians have invoked the name of God more and more over the last forty years.  In this email, the author said that it is politically advantageous for politicians to get their constituents to believe that God is somehow on their side, regardless if this God is the hard line authoritative God found in the Old Testament, or the softer, more compassionate God found in the New.  Both Gods have their benefits and their drawbacks, and both are dangerous when tossed into the political mix.

There is a mistaken notion that we were founded as a "Christian" nation; frankly, that's bullshit.  First of all, not all of the Founding Fathers were Christian; some, like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, were deists (and Benjamin Franklin was in a class all his own).  And of those that were Christian, most believed firmly in the Separation of Church and State.  In fact, in the Treaty of Tripoli, signed by John Adams in 1797, it clearly states that the United States was founded in no way on the Christian religion.  Of course, when I point that out to someone, the first words I almost always hear is: "Then why does it say 'In God We Trust' on our money, and why do we say 'One Nation Under God' in our pledge?"  This is usually followed by a smug look of "I showed you" satisfaction, until I tell this person he or she obviously needs a history lesson, or 20, for that matter.  (Neither phrase is original to the Founding Fathers; "In God We Trust" didn't appear on our currency until 1865, and "Under God" didn't show up in our pledge until 1954.)  And even the phrase "endowed by their creator" found in the Declaration of Independence is not a declaration of God or Christianity, but simply a statement that each person has the right to believe in the creator of his or her choice.  (And if I really want to start a fight, I point out that John Adams was vehemently anti-Catholic; he absolutely hated the Catholic Church.)

Religion has a long and nasty history, and its influence on our nation's legacy is no different; it has been used as justification for slavery and the denial of equal rights for women, among other things.  And it isn't the fault of the religion, but the people claiming it.  So why is the push on again to force it down our throats?  The answer, at least for me, is fairly simple...Religion is a great leash; when someone starts to question, the best answer is: "Because God Said So!", even if God didn't say it at all.  And if a person believes God said it, then he or she is going to look to the candidate who agrees that God said it, even if what God supposedly said is against that person's best interest.  This often leads me to wonder if even half of these politicians believe what they spout from their soapboxes, or if they are just claiming "God" to get elected.

Not only that, but by pandering only to those who "believe" the same way they do, our "elected" officials are discounting entire groups of people; not everyone in this country are of the Christian persuasion.  However, it's like we don't matter (especially the atheists). Oh sure...they will take our donations and they will love our votes, but other than that, they would just assume we didn't exist.  Why?  Because we can't be led around by the "God" ring in the nose.

It's stupid, really; it these people actually thought about it, they would find that atheists are who they want in their corners.  Why? Because we believe what we believe based on our own knowledge, research and ethics, and we don't need a book that can't even keep its own stories straight to justify our stances.  This isn't a conservative or liberal issue, either; we are found on both sides of the political spectrum.  However, if they do cater to us, then we are going to hold them accountable for their platforms, and that's a hard position to be in when you can't just blame God.

Furthermore, by incorporating "God" into your politics, you are leaving yourself open to attack by someone whose definition of God is different than your own.  They may all go by the same name, but they are far from the same entity, and when you start screaming: "God says I'm right!", you are really going to piss off the person who God has told you are full of shit.  History is rife with examples of the dangers of mixing politics and religion, but somehow, we still haven't learned.

Personally, if one of our modern day politicians stood up and said, "I'm an atheist, and proud of it!", I would vote for that person regardless of his or her political leaning.  Why?  Because to do that would take honesty, integrity, and, most importantly, balls, and there is very little, if any, of that left in Washington, or anywhere else.

I Am So Not a "Girl"...

Today a friend and I were talking about shopping for bras; it is an act I detest, but because of a rather sizable weight loss, I am needing to do just that.  Now, I know women who can spend hours in a lingerie store looking and feeling and making sure everything is "just right", and who don't mind having a stranger wrap a tape measure around their boobs so they can be fitted properly, but hey...I'm just not one of them.

I was raised by men (and one very strong willed woman), and somewhere along the line, my "girl" gene got squished.  I really can change a tire, fix the plumbing, change out a battery and build a fence, but I couldn't tell you shit from shinola about how to pick the right shoe, and my style etiquette is nonexistent.  Hell, I don't even wear make up, and I've forgotten how to put on eyeliner (so I just have it tattooed on; makes life so much easier).  I would rather watch football than Sex in the City (that has to be the stupidest, most asinine show ever created), and romantic comedies irritate me to no end; give me a good dose of American Pie any day of the week.  I like to laugh out loud, and the words "meek" and "mild" just aren't in my vocabulary.

I'm not totally out of the loop; I do cook and bake and crochet (which led one friend to quip, "My, that's awfully domestic of you!"), but beyond that, it just doesn't happen.  I am far more impressed with my ability to hook up and back up a trailer, than my ability (ha!) to accessorize.  I love being outdoors, and I don't mind getting dirty (I can shoot, too).

It's funny how this lack of "girlness" can put some guys off; I had one guy I dated actually break up with me because I wasn't "feminine" enough; by the time he got done describing what he wanted in a woman, I decided he wanted a porcelain doll instead (and he married a woman who pretty much fit that bill).  Now, I'm not knocking women who are soft and pretty and feminine, nor the men who want them; but it just cracked me up when one woman, upon finding out I had pulled and replaced a toilet in my rental, asked me why I was doing a "man's" work.  Short answer?  Because I can.  Of course, I know women who could, and would, never do something like that, but I also know men who I wouldn't let near my power tools.

One of the funniest stories I remember had to do with my horse trailer; it was a summer day, and it was hot and miserable and the kids were getting cranky.  As I was pulling out of a parking lot, the damn thing popped the hitch.  So here I am, pretty much blocking traffic, with the tongue of the horse trailer sitting on the ground.  Needless to say, I was not happy. 

Well, across the street from where I was stood a whole group of men; they had seen it happen, but not one of them offered to come give me a hand...instead, they just watched me, waiting for me to come and ask (not gonna happen...sorry to disappoint; my ego is far bigger than yours).  I was standing there deciding what to do to fix the problem when this older lady walked over, pointed at the group of men, who were starting to puff up, and said, "You need to go ask some of those big, strong men to help you."

In hindsight, I know she meant well, and I could have been nicer, but since I was already pissed, and that only served to piss me off more, I reached down, grabbed the trailer tongue, lifted it straight off the ground and slammed it on the hitch.  Then I looked her dead in the eye and said, "The fuck I do."  After that, I proceeded to flip the now deflated group of men off.  She looked at me, and without another word, turned and walked off.  (I know...and yes, my back was a little sore the next day, but it was worth it.)

Sometimes I do wish I had a little more of the girl gene so I could wear make up right, and look "pretty", especially now that I have two girls who are both very girlie (especially the older one; she already has boys calling her and chasing her, and I already have the shotgun ready), but the thought is fleeting.  I don't really want to be that way.  I was always taught not to let a man do for me what I can do for myself, and I won't.  I also figure that if someone is going to like me, it's going to be for who I am, not for who I'm pretending to be.

So hand me the hammer and the nails; I have a fence to build.

One of These Days I Will Learn

To just keep my damn mouth shut.

It is an inevitable discussion with fundamentalists, and even just some Christians in general, and that is your stand on abortion.  With most, it is a black or white issue; you are either for it, or against it, and there are absolutely no shades of gray.  So, of course, when they start cornering me on the issue, I give them a gray area, and 9 times out of 10, it blows up in my face.

I was born before abortion became legal, but I am pretty sure if it had been legal at that time, I would not be here; when I point that out, it leads to the inevitable question:  "Well, since you weren't aborted, and you are here now, aren't you glad abortion wasn't legal?"  After being asked this yesterday for the 100th time, I finally popped off that it sure is a hell of a lot easier being an aborted fetus than an unwanted child.

Which is exactly the wrong tact to take, but this question is one that has no answer, because if I had been aborted, I would have never known.  I'm sure I would have felt something, but it is nothing I would have remembered, obviously, and in reality, the world would have barely been any different had I not been born at all.  This isn't some self pitying declaration; it is just a fact.  There are millions of people in this world who will never care if I exist or not, and the cemeteries are full of people who never impacted my life one way or the other.

On the flip side, being an unwanted child is hell.  I had it tough, but it was nothing in comparison to what I've seen happen to other children, and when I see any child put through that kind of pain, it just kills me.  A child should never have to go hungry, or be hurt by the person or people who are suppose to love and cherish them, and to bring a child into this world, only to inflict that kind of misery on something so innocent...

Of course, when I say that, then I'm just using one excuse to justify this horror known as abortion.  It's fine when they flip it around on me, but I can't do it to them.  Go figure.

Truth be known, I am actually against it.  I could never do it, and have never done it.  Do I want it made illegal? No.  First of all, as I've said before, I don't know anyone else's situation, and I am in no position to judge another's choice.  There are things we don't know and reasons we aren't privy to, and I have no place in that decision, especially when you are dealing with cases of rape and incest.  Besides, women have been finding ways to terminate unwanted pregnancies for centuries; overturning Roe v. Wade isn't going to change that; it's just going to make it a lot more dangerous for the woman.

(Of course, if we weren't such prudes about discussing contraception and safe sex practices, there would be far fewer unwanted and unplanned pregnancies.)

This is a topic in which there is no easy answer, and if I was smart, I'd avoid discussing it with them at all; yet something about the way they crusade it as being against God, when the argument they make isn't even Biblical, then I have a hard time keeping quiet.  It is a case where they've twisted and co-opted the Bible to make it say what they want it to say, when in fact, it doesn't say that at all.

However, this topic just happens to be a little more painful for me than most.

The Difference Between a Father and a Dad

It takes not one hint of talent to spawn; all it takes is the right connection at the right time, and the result pops out somewhere around 9 months later.  This has been proven by the numerous people, both male and female, who have elevated spawning to a level only known in professional athletics.  They hop around from bed to bed without one ounce of concern for what they may be creating.

My own mother was a prime example of this; she spawned me, but had no intentions, and no real ability, to be a mother.  However, unlike many kids in my situation, I was fortunate enough to have someone...

I am adopted, but our connection runs far beyond the point where this man made what had always really been into a legal fact.  He was the first person to hold me after I was born (my mother was higher than Jupiter when she went into labor; I'm lucky I wasn't born in the bathtub), and the one person who has stuck with me through 38 years of ups and downs and twists and turns. 

I am not knocking what my grandparents did for me, either; they had me for a good portion of my young life, and they were the ones who took care of me after one particularly nasty and vicious attempt at parenthood by my mother.  But age takes its toll, and my grandfather was getting very sick.  He wasn't an old man, but a 2 pack a day habit and a job working as a ship welder had destroyed his lungs.  If you throw in a very volatile teenager who was going through hell with her own life, you can see where this could be a devastating combination, and my grandmother was past the point of being able to care for two children.  (My grandfather's one dream was to see me graduate from high school, which he did; but he was dead in less than a year.)  To top it off, my mother had somehow, despite being high, drunk and broke, found her way back, and she was leaving mess after mess for my grandparents to clean up.  (She went through 5 cars in a year and a half.  Amazingly, she even survived driving one off a cliff.)

So my uncle showed up, packed me up, and took me to live with him. 

Now, it wasn't like he already had a wife and kids, and I was joining an established family; he is gay, and at the time, there was no one in his life.  He was also a very high powered businessman who was use to running on the jet set, so to say he was making a sacrifice is a major understatement.  But he did it, and he was good at it.  He made sure I was in a good school, he showed up to every parent/teacher conference, he walked me through algebra (which I have never used once since high school), harassed the boys I dated, survived the first car wreck, and the resulting insurance premiums.  He fed me, clothed me and supported me, and, most importantly, when others had turned their backs, sure I would be nothing but a mirror image of my mother, he never lost faith in me.  And no one yelled louder when I graduated from high school, and did so on the honor roll.  Without him, there is no telling where I'd be now.  Even now, I'm closer to no one else; he is the most important person in my life, and he's helped me become a better parent to my own children.

Dads, and especially the good ones, get shortchanged in our society.  I have gotten to the point where I won't watch a lot of television sitcoms and where I ignore most of the commercials, because it almost always seems like the mother is the strong, organized one who runs everything and keeps the family going, while dad is nothing more than comedy relief...and that's not fair.  (We won't get into the court systems; that's a whole different topic.)  Even if the parents are not together, they are both equally important to a kid, and that fact needs to be recognized and encouraged.  I know men who have given up their lives and moved across the country just so they could be a part of their childrens' lives.  I also know men who are also the better nurturer and caregiver than the mothers, and there is nothing wrong with that.  (Despite the bullshit from the Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood Society, we are not all hardwired to behave a certain way.)

There is nothing more rewarding, and more miserable, than being a parent, and there is no shame in the pride you should feel when this thing that started out as a primal act of nature becomes a healthy, vibrant human being, with, hopefully, all of your best traits, plus a few of his or her own.  (Though there is something to be said for the ego deflation when your kid towers over you by a good six inches, which is what is going to happen to me; my 11 year old is already a full inch taller than I am, and she is nowhere near done growing yet.)  Kids need their moms, and kids need their dads, so they can get the best from both, and if that's not possible for whatever reason, then the parent available had better be ready to step up.

I think we need to take a closer look at just how we treat fathers, because they are so important (and moms are, too; I am not saying anything to the contrary!).  Any creature with testicles can mate and spawn, but it takes a hell of a man to be a dad.

"I'll Pray For You"

The other day, I was having a rather heated discussion with a conservative Christian counterpart, and he popped off at me:

"I'll pray for you, and pray that you at least get an interview to the next $7.25 an hour job you apply for."

I told him to please not bother, because his God had given up on me a long time ago, and while there are plenty of people who need those $7.25 an hour jobs, I happened to not be one of them.

Obviously, his "offer" to pray for me was malicious, but I have been told that before.

"I'll pray for you."

And they do pray for me, or they pay Benny Hinn to do it for them.  They pray that I'll be saved, that I'll see God's light and come back to his truth.  They pray for my soul, my heart, my salvation, and they pray for whatever else they can think of, but I wonder if I ever actually needed any of them to stand up and loan me a dollar, if any of them would.

Someone once said that prayer is the best way to feel like you are doing something, when you are actually doing nothing, and I feel the truest example of this is when someone says he's going to pray for me.  For one, it's a complete waste of time, and for another, if you really want to pray for someone or something, there is enough misery in this world he could devote his prayers to.

So after the sniping was done, I asked my counterpart why he would bother to pray for me at all?  Why not pray for the people in Haiti, who are now fighting Cholera?  Is it because Pat Robertson said they brought this on themselves because they made a pact with the devil in the 1700's to get rid of the French?  What about Zahra Baker, or Caylee Anthony, and the other innocent children who have had their lives cut short by people who were suppose to love and cherish them?  What about the millions dying in Africa from starvation and AIDS?  What about the people in our own towns who can't find work, or a place to live, or a meal?  Why waste a perfectly good ritual on me, when these people need all the help they can get?

I pretty much knew the answer before he said it, but I also knew the truth, or at least my opinion of it.  His answer was the stock one: because everyone needs to be prayed for.  However, I really believe there is another reason they all like to pray for me, and for people like me.

We're safe.  It is easy to project all of the evil in the world onto an atheist or an agnostic, and we are the one time it is good not to get a return on your investment.  If a "Christian" prays for an end to the suffering in Haiti, and nothing happens, it doesn't look or feel too good (although they do pray for the suffering to end, but only in large groups during a television power hour), but if one prays for me, and nothing happens, then he can just chalk it up to the hardening of my heart, the loss of my soul, and so and so forth, and, gosh darnit! He tried!

Don't get me wrong; there are plenty of good people, religious or otherwise, who do far more than pray.  They know they can't fix everything, but they do what they can.  They volunteer at a shelter, they donate to charity, they offer a family a meal.  But people like my counterpart don't strike me as this type.  Instead, they tell you they will pray for you so you know what good Christians they are; they make it a point to let you know they are morally superior to you, but hey...God loves you anyway.  It is this hypocrisy that drove me away from religion in the first place.

If you want to pray for me, fine.  Knock yourself out.  I don't care, because your prayers aren't going to affect me one way or the other; however, if you want me to know what a good person you are, then there's a soup kitchen where you are welcome to join me in the serving line.

Can You Choose Your Family?

I received a phone call the other night which still has me wondering, and maybe a little more than confused.  It was from my Dad, and it was one of those calls that sticks with you, questioning where, exactly, you should go from here.

I've had a very interesting life, to say the least.  While not nearly as twisted as some, my past can still hold its own among the skeletons and ghost stories that seem to haunt so many's lives.

I am the child of a drug addicted alcoholic who had every intention of being everything she could...except a mother; that particular responsibility she left to my grandparents and my uncle.  While it does not shock too many now, in the seventies and early eighties, and especially in the small, conservative town where I grew up, an illegitimate child was pretty much branded one with a giant "B" (for bastard) right in the middle of her forehead.  Add in the drug addicted alcoholic part, and, well, you pretty much get the picture of my childhood.  My grandparents did my best to shield me from it, but the stories were known, and the shadows crept in...

I will never the time when I was in fourth grade when a music teacher made the announcement that my parents were never married; you could hear the silence and feel the stares when she asked me, "Well, where's your dad?"  I said, in all the innocence of a 9 year old who had already been to hell and back, twice, and had the tickets and broken bones to prove it, "I don't know."

And it was the truth, because I didn't.  At that time in my life, I didn't know where he was; I just knew he wasn't really part of my existence.  There had been a man I called "Dad", but I had only met him once, and there was no real bond other than the title; he wasn't even on my birth certificate (and still isn't; that line is blank).  Even as I grew up, we never grew close.  I saw him only a few times over the years; even when I lived in California, only a half hour from his front door, I only think I visited him twice.  By that time, I was nearly 16, my mother had relinquished any and all parental rights, and I had been adopted by my uncle, who, despite the lack of formal address, I consider my father.

When I was in my twenties, certain biological factors came into play which made me question the validity of the paternity at all.  I confronted my mother, who swore at the time he was "the one"; however, later she told me she had also been a prostitute at the time, and there had been five other pregnancies, all which had been terminated by one means or another.  By this point, she was sick, and her addictions had taken their toll; death would find her just two years after she finally confessed everything that I already knew.

So fast forward to the here and now...

This last year has been hell on him; he lost a brother and his mother in a devastating car accident, and a brother-in-law to a sudden illness.  When you throw in the demise of a long standing relationship...well, you get the picture.  He never married, and has no other kids besides me.  He wants, and needs a relationship with me, for whatever it may be, and I think I need it with him.  Don't get me wrong; it isn't guilt, but that need for a connection.  While he will never replace the father I have in my uncle, he is really the only person I've ever called "Dad".

But there is a part that worries me...if I reach out, and if I let the connection build, what happens if he disappears again?  Is it worth the chance?  My friend tells me to take it for what it is; I have become the rock, so to speak - the one others grab onto for stability when their worlds seem to be spinning out of control, and that's what he needs.  But I don't know if I want my stability shaken by letting him closer than the arm's length we've kept each other at all of our lives.  But at the same time, I really do want him to know me and know my kids, because, for whatever it's worth, they are his grandkids.

I've been working this over and worrying it my mind since I talked to him, but perhaps I am putting far too much into it than need be.  Maybe I should take my friend's advice, and let it go wherever it is going to go.  Who knows?  Maybe this time, the relationship is really there, and maybe, just maybe, we can finally be family.

It's All About the Sex!

I like sex; it's fun.  In fact, I love sex, and have been known to get a little kinky on occasion when the mood strikes.  However, my perverted comments on Facebook not withstanding, my sex life, and my reasons for engaging in the practice, are my business.

So why are so many conservative Christians obsessed with it?  Not just mine, but with the sex lives of almost everyone else in this country?  I guess if it feels good, it must be bad.

Sex has long been a "bone" of contention for the fundamentalist sects, although admittedly, it has gone from being strictly about procreation to the union of one husband and one wife in a "spiritual" sense, as long as they leave each and every union open to the "possibility" of conception.  Catholics and Mormons both teach this, and there is a very small, but very vocal faction known as Quiverfulls, who not only support this, but believe it is a woman's duty to submit to the will of her husband and have as many children as God is willing to give them so they can bring forth His holy army.  (Psalm 127: 3-5)

Wait...you've never heard of the Quiverfulls?  Ever heard of the show 19 Kids and Counting?  I hate this show, and all shows like it.  If a woman really wants to be nothing more than a uterus, that's her right, but I am opposed to glorifying this as if it is some blessed way to live.  Childbirth is extremely hard on a woman's body; the more kids you have, the more damage your body sustains.  (A Catholic friend of mine just had her seventh child.  She has been having kidney issues and bladder control issues and a few other pregnancy related problems, so she and her husband as their priest if they could stop having children.  He said God may forgive them for not wanting more, since it was affecting her health.  Really??!!)  And the more children a woman has, the more likely she will need to be dependent on someone else for her support and the support of her children; they are a great way to keep a woman subservient.  In many of the fundamentalist polygamist sects, where women really are nothing more than brood mares, most of the families rely on you and me for their support. 

The churches, and some in particular, have always been obsessed with sex.  As I pointed out once before, there are some 200+ proscriptions in the Bible regarding heterosexual sex, and that's nothing compared to the numerous edicts and declarations regarding this particular pleasure which have come down from religious leaders through the centuries.  For the most part, anything that had to do with sex that didn't also involve conception was just...plain...WRONG...  (Side note - the term "original sin" is not anywhere in the Bible; you can thank St. Augustine of Hippo for that one; while not dealing with the act itself, original sin deals with the fall of man, which introduced death to the human race.  Therefore, the reasoning that we are all conceived in sin does not come from the act of sex, which Augustine, who engaged in it freely and recklessly before his celestial conversion, thought was sinful, but because the fall of man elevated the want for sex, as is hinted at in Genesis 1:28 (be fruitful and multiply) to the need for sex, as if there was no need for it for the thousands of years before the Bible was written.)

Even today, sex is such a point of interest for so many.  Birth control has become a major issue of contention for some; certain religions think birth control is wrong, and therefore, think they should have the right to refuse to sell the pill or condoms, or to provide sterilization services as part of a reproductive health care program.  My answer to this is if you own your own pharmacy or your own health care clinic, fine.  You are under no obligation to provide any of the above, and I will take my business elsewhere.  However, if you are in a publicly funded hospital or clinic, or if you work for a pharmacy that routinely sells these items, you get no such protection.  Besides, why you would want to prevent someone from not bringing another unwanted child into this world is beyond me.  (Although I will make an exception for this on abortion; while I believe it should remain legal, it is not an option I would have ever chosen.  Thankfully, I was never put in that position.)

Another one that cracks me up is masturbation; I cannot believe how many people I hear talk about how "bad" it is.  While we have progressed beyond the blindness/hair on palms prognosis, it is still considered by more than a few to be naughty.  Christine O'Donnell has become a source of great entertainment to many for her stance that masturbation is the same as adultery, because adultery can be committed simply by having lust in your heart, and you have to have that lust in order to masturbate.  (You would be amazed by how many people share this view.)  So for this, I only have one question:  just who, exactly, is the 15 year old boy cheating on when he's in the shower smacking it against the wall?  (There are no concrete proscriptions against masturbation in the Bible, either; the story of Onan doesn't count, and no one knows for sure what the exact translation of 1 Corinthians 6:9 is suppose to be.)

I guess I just find it amazing how something so biological and so natural can be such a source of consternation; I understand the problems with teen pregnancy, unwanted kids (I was one) and STDs, but these things can be addressed, and there is no need to drag "God" into it.  Ignorance is not bliss (although a really good dose of sex is), and we are doing ourselves no favors by pretending otherwise.

I honestly think the reality is the people who are so concerned about everyone else's sex life are the ones who just have a major guilt complex, so here's my thought:  get over it.  You are not going to stop me, nor anyone else, from enjoying it, so do yourself a favor...get in your car, go to the nearest adult store and pick up some lingerie, some handcuffs, some body oils, and maybe even some edible undies (wait - scratch the edible undies; those things taste like shit), and then go home and GET LAID.

Would the "Real" Christian in the Room Please Stand Up?

Last night, a good friend had the unfortunate experience of trying to get a straight answer out of me after I'd partaken a healthy dose of Excedrin PM; this poor person learned I can still manage to ramble, even if only half my brain is awake, and last night, I wouldn't have given the awake part of my brain that much credit.

The question had to do with Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church, and if he and band of batshit crazies should have the right to do what they are doing.  My poor amigo ended up with the whole constitutional slippery slope argument, and whether Phelps' right to the freedoms of religion, speech and assembly could be considered an infringement on a grieving family's legal right to privacy, and if his actions could be considered a means to incite violence.  Wasn't really what was asked, but that was the answer given.

So here's the straight answer - I don't think he should be protected.  I think he and the rest of that group should be run out of the country, but I'm not sure I want to give up any of my freedoms to shut that asshole up.

But this leads me to another question.

I have had more than a few discussions with my more fundamentalist counterparts about Fred Phelps; inevitably, I get the same answer:  Well, Fred Phelps isn't a real Christian. 

I hear this same statement about other people/groups as well; Mormons aren't real Christians, Catholics aren't real Christians, Protestants aren't real Christians, Jehovah's Witnesses aren't real Christians...

So who, exactly, is the real Christian?

That's the problem with Christianity, and most religion as a whole; everyone thinks his version is the real version and the only version everyone else should be adhering to.  That's the problem when you base your beliefs on a book that is full of myths, contradictions and half-truths; anyone and everyone can find something to justify his personal belief as God's absolute truth, and that includes Phelps.  All Fred Phelps had to do was pull  6 verses out of the Bible, and he had the entire platform for his ministry.  That's right; there are only 6 verses in the entire Bible about homosexuality (as opposed to 200+ regarding heterosexuality, so obviously we need much more supervision), and he has taken those 6 verses and created a crusade of hate, which he has paraded back and forth across the country.

I get very tired of hearing, "Well, God says...", because if you read five pages more, you'll find God said something entirely different.  Even the first two chapters of Genesis are nothing more than absolute contradictions.  Take the theory of Sodom and Gomorrah, which has long been the trumpeting point against gay people, is contradicted in a passage in Eze 16:49-50, which states very clearly that these two cities were destroyed because they lacked hospitality and were haughty, caring more for themselves than for others.  While the Bible says thou shalt not kill, that rule doesn't apply to everyone.  You shalt not commit adultery, but without adultery, we would have only had 6 tribes of Israel, instead of 12.  The truth of the matter is that the Bible itself does not practice what it preaches, if you can figure out what it is really preaching at all.

The reason for this is that the Bible wasn't written in one time frame by one person; it was written over centuries by many different authors who each had his own agenda and belief system, and many of its stories are borrowed myths from even more ancient civilizations.  Genesis doesn't agree, the gospels don't agree, the story of Lot is beyond description...even the final version we have today was created by men who had a specific idea of what they wanted Christianity to be (which is why we have the trinity).  Even the Bibles used in the varying areas of faith are different, because everything in it is subject to interpretation, but that doesn't stop people from grabbing it, holding it aloft, and declaring they know without a doubt they are God's chosen spokespeople.

And that is how we ended up with Fred Phelps.