"Hope" and "Faith"

"Hope" is such a loaded word; people will tell you to have hope, not to give up hope, and to not lose hope.  On the flip side, others will tell you not to get your hopes up, don't set your hopes to high, and while it's alright to hope for the best, you still need to prepare for the worst.  You can have all your hopes met, or all your hopes dashed, or you there can be no hope for you at all.  So what, exactly, am I suppose to do with it?

A lot of times, the word "hope" is used in conjunction with the word "faith", which also can be far more loaded than its one syllable would indicate.  Both words carry such positive, yet such negative, connotations; you can have all the faith in the world in someone, and the next day, lose all the faith you ever had in that same person.  By the same token, you can have such high hopes for something you want so dearly, and then when it doesn't, lose all faith that anything like it will ever happen again.  Those two words can bring a lot of joy, but at the same time, deliver more than enough pain.

I really try to avoid engaging in either one; it is much easier to handle the disappointment that comes with having your hopes destroyed and your faith lost if you avoid it in the first place.  Perhaps that is a pessimistic, not to mention jaded, stance to take, but it is by far safer, at least for me...yet despite my very guarded nature, sometimes they both manage to sneak in.  I've been feeling them (hope more so than faith) sneaking around, and I have caught myself wanting to open up, in spite of the possible hurt I can experience with either one.  I have been asking myself all day if I can do it, and if it's even worth it.

Today has been one of those weird, off kilter days because of what has been playing out in my mind.  My normal, arrogant, egotistical self has been rocked a little, and that is something I am just not use to.  My brain has been going back and forth all day between wanting to, yet not daring to, and it hasn't even begun to settle down.  This isn't me; I don't do this...I don't let myself go to that place of hopes and dreams and uncertainties, and here I've come close to doing just that.

And it hurts.

By tomorrow, I'm sure I will have wrestled myself back to that place of guarded control which is, by far, my comfort zone, with all of its complications firmly in tact.  But today, I seem to be losing the match.  Perhaps I should just give in for now, and hope by tomorrow it will all be back to normal, and have faith that it will be.