This morning I took the final step toward getting my life back, and I never realized until now how something could be so easy and so complicated at the same time.  It is easy in the fact that it has been coming for a long, long time, and complicated because no matter how hard I try, there is still the inevitable guilt, anger and frustration that tears into you when you look into the faces of two innocent children who are wondering what in the hell is going on.

I have given up 16 1/2 years trying to make this work, and I'm to the point where I just can't do it anymore; the last 3 years have almost destroyed me.  When I look at it now, I think that's the key...I shouldn't be feeling like I've given up my life for someone else; mutual sacrifice I can understand, but not this kind of loss of self.  I have swallowed far more anger and resentment than any one person should be forced to (although I know there are those who have endured far more than I).

One thing I have noticed about my friends whose marriages have all endured is that there is more giving than there is taking.  I know it sounds corny, but it is true.  They give each other support; when one is sick, the other steps up.  When one is tired, the other makes dinner.  When one just needs some affection, the other gives it.  And when the tables are turned, the one gives it all back.  They each appreciate the other as a gift, and they cherish what they have been given.  My grandparents survived 52 years together this way; when one died, the other followed from a broken heart.

I am not a needy person; I don't need to hear "I love you" 10 times a day, or to be waited on, or to be put on a pedestal.  I don't need to be taken care of when I'm sick (in fact, you will find I am much easier to deal with if you leave me alone and let me be sick in peace).  I don't mind giving, and if you show me just a little appreciation, I will give you everything I have, and then some.  I don't believe in doing things half assed (except cleaning house, but that's a different matter); but when I start getting taken for granted, I can't give anymore, and in this case, it's way beyond that.

I have been asked repeatedly if there is someone else; even though there is someone skirting my peripheral vision, it is strictly coincidence.  As I said, this has been coming, and has been coming for quite some time.  But I was sick of being asked, and so this morning I finally said yes.  Yes, there is someone else.  Of course the demand was made that I say who, but the answer was simple.

The someone else is me.